notyouravarageyogagirl:

gonna use it in my lessons

(Source: , via yelhsaian)

so-relatable:

The Best So-Relatable Posts for April!

(via khawnnyan)

people always told me I was special. But what does that truly mean? My family tries to change who i am, its not me. Forcing me to become something im not, changing my appearance, thinking that all they do is right. Some people may know me, some may not. Some might question who the true Denise is, and how i have become this way. So i’ll type a few things in my life most people do not know and by then you will understand why i have become the person i am.

elementary school was the worst, i was bullied for almost 5 years straight in that school. I was picked on just because i was different and that i looked different. I guess you can say i was an outcast. I had very short unruly hair, pimples, i had eczema on my body (for most filipinos eczema is a common skin disorder) a lot of people thought if i touched them i was going to give it to them too, and i was very short for my height. 

During that time I was sexually molested by our family’ friend who was a carpenter. I never told my parents about it at the time and it took me 3 years to tell everyone because i found out that he did the same to my other cousin. When my parents found out they didn’t do anything. instead they told me to keep quiet and never tell anyone. It didnt stop there he did it almost 3 times to me. My aunt’s boyfriend who was staying with us temporary did the same. So it was a never ending pain that no one cared about. It wasn’t that i was afraid it was because my mom doesnt want to deal with getting into an argument or getting into a fight. It was funny to me because i know if it was another mom or dad, they would try to kill the  bastards. But since they didn’t care i didn’t tell them that i being molested. So if i estimated till now of how ive been abused… it would be 3 men over 10 times. She will never know or understand what i went through at such a young age.

During the 7th grade, i almost committed suicide because the bullying went to far. My guidance counselor called my mom ASAP to bring me to an “insane aysulym” to be examined and i ended up staying in a program that supported people like me. i felt wanted and loved by the people there. after 6 years of therapy i was able to get better and have a higher self esteem. But as of right now i feel like all that therapy help deteriorated.

As i got older i gained more weight and i look bigger. as of right now im 5 foot weighing at 135. I wear a size medium or 5 in dresses, pants and shirts. my bra size is a 34b. my friends tell me that i’m beautiful no matter what. I appreciate that but now the problem is my own family. they put me down because of the way i look. i look very huge to them and it does put me down. I’ve have situations where my family would either take some food away saying im gaining too much or that I need to get the fat sucked out or i seriously need to change they way i am. my mom thinks that my breast are too big and i should get a reduction. When i was little my mom pinched my nose every night now that my nose will have a more thinner shape. the body alterations and modifications never stopped.  I know they wish i was smarter, skinnier and paler but its not me. I was born in the body that they gave me and they raised me to become this way. Usually it would be the opposite, your friends and peers will tell you that you don’t look good and that your parents are support to give you a hug saying that your beautiful no matter what. In my case its the opposite and now i question why can’t they love me for who I am and who I want to be. I feel like such a failure and that i was never good enough to meet their expectations. Why can’t I be free to become the person who i want to be? If i ever died… ( in the case what everyone thinks) I wonder what people will say. would they even care or would they say “it’s ok it wasn’t worth having that type if person around”. I feel like a puppet. My family can make me, try to change they way i am, and control what i should be. So when does the strings come off? So I am sorry to my best friend and my boyfriend to take you in such a hard path. But it should be better now because i am no longer in the picture. But no one has the right to judge me of who i have become. my soul has shatter marks and the last thing i need is your judgement. So yes, i am special because i survived. 

• society: Everyone's beautiful.
• society: Don't eat though, you don't want to get fat.
• society: You don't eat? Anorexic freak!
• society: You're a size 4? You're supposed to be a size 0!
• society: You're an A cup? What are you, 8?
• society: You're a C cup? That's my mums size.
• society: You had sex?! Slut!
• society: You haven't had sex? Hah, you're frigid!
• society: You don't think you're pretty? Attention seeker!
• society: You think you're pretty? Conceited much?
• society: You believe in gay rights? Homo!
• society: You don't believe in gay rights? Homophobic dickhead!
• society: You're depressed? Attention seeker!
• society: You cut yourself? Still attention seeking!
• society: You can't go on? How much attention do you want?!
•  -someone kills themself-
• society: Oh, they were so beautiful! Society sucks!